You never know what you've got til it's gone. A friend was recently reminding me that I need to focus more on where I am, rather than where I'd rather be. It's true, I've wasted some bloody fantastic times by being too busy looking backwards or forwards and wasting time wishing for things I'll never have (not to mention missing the mutha of all missed opportunities), instead of enjoying what I've got.
I've got this huge desk in front of a huge window, quite frankly the best situated desk in the building, and it's all mine by happy defaulting accident. I have co-workers who rarely drag themselves in before noon, which is indeed a blessing, and I've finally saved up enough for a lap top that currently does everything I've ever wanted to do on a pc. Okay, so I don't have a website anymore, but you know, I can do stuff. If I wanted to.
I need to read more, write more and just get outside more.
I know I waste far too much time watching tv, and I should be out doing, even though I fear my best years are all behind me (there's me, looking backwards and pining again). Watching tv was perfect for when I was sick, but now I'm starting to be as much of my old self as I guess I'll ever be, I'm getting restless.
I'm also feeling trapped. When I worked in the city, there was always something to do after work: movies, music, drinking, theatre, galleries, shopping, chatting, classes. I could never stay later than 9pm or 10, because the trains cut out and it was a 3km walk home (no buses), but it was great and I never realised just how full my life was until it wasn't. I always envied the folks who could stay back later. Out here though, everything shuts up before I finish work, and there is nothing to do but go home and watch tv.
Worse, there are no Irish temps here, as I've lamented before and I'll lament again. I love a Paddy backpaper. Really, really - grin. Great fun, one and all.
So, I need to just start doing, start training myself to catch that train into the city after work. I need to do something, just to get out of the house. I miss my old life but instead of sulking, I should just do, like I did in the worst years of my life. For such a terrible time, I was very plucky, out there making new friends, travelling, seeing new things, learning new things (everything from art to culture to how to drink all night without getting legless). I need to start doing that again. All of it, some of it. I don't care, just something. And I need to enjoy what I'm doing, to be in the moment, not to just shut my eyes and hope that it'll all be over quickly.
Still, some things are worth fondly remembering, oh yes indeedy.
The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me
We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
Oh no they can't take that away from me
No they can't take that away from me
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Definitely need to go out and make new aquaintances - grin.
Okay, so I did just go home and watch telly last night. Inexcusable, but there it is. It was the Future Max episode of Roswell, which has some fine sparky comedy from Maria and Michael, as well as some very bittersweet Liz moments, and a couple of great lines from Kyle. Then there was Now and Again, ripping off Get Smart, of all things. Not a brilliant episode, but look at the pretty boy. After that we had the pentultimate episode of Buffy.
they shoot homosexuals, don't they
It really annoys me that while everybody else in the room has done hugely bad things, Faith is unforgiveable. It's so unfair and so hypocritcal that they dare to sit in judgement of her. It's all down to class (Bro agrees). Murder is fine if you're middle class and it's true, just look at the legal system. It reminds me of my amusement to find a lone copy of Attitude in our local newsagent, where they still shoot homosexuals, because it's a very homophobic and xenophobic place, the way really poor people are. Acceptance of one's peculiarities is entirely indexed to income. Just look at some of the wackier celebrities.
So anyway, go Faith, yay Faith (no spoilers please). I was thrilled to see the Mayor pop up too. Best villian ever.
After that I had time to only watch the trailer of Laurel Canyon over and over again. Mmmm, Alessandro, so pretty, and, ye gods, he can actually sing. I'd read a review that he was so good in this that he could give up his day job and I thought this I have to see. They're right, he's better than most of my fave cds (I'd make comparisons but I'd be dating myself so badly it's beyond contemplation).
Don't start with the cd collection. Bro is laughing because my last purchase was Fred Astaire and he reminded me 'not to kid myself, dear' that buying Blur or Jane's Addiction was listening to the kid's new music. Not when Blur have just released an anthology and JA are back after 13 years. Ouch. Fetch me my slippers and ovaltine.