Bit of a bad day yesterday. It wasn't just the stinky hot weather which made the flooboards so hot they radiated heat all night. You've no idea. I walked out the glass doors and had all the air sucked out of my lungs. It wasn't warmish, it burned. Everybody was walking around with pink faces. It was entirely sauna like, no exaggeration, and no pool for me to swim in though the birds enjoyed sploshing in the trays we set out for the purpose. Threw my buckets on my fave trees, all of whom looked wilty, and who can blame them.
Maybe it was just the heat making people mean. Lots of sotto voce whispers about my lack of competency in the programming dept and it's not like I lied, I was doing things three times more complicated, it's just that I'm tired and everything here is so badly designed and there's no one here to offer advice. This form I have to amend - it's 15 pages of if/else statements. Is it my fault I keep getting lost? It's not like I'm a complete moron. I was on French and Danish pages yesterday and I could see enough patterns to work out what I was doing. This coldfusion though, I don't get it, or I don't get the way its written here. If I had to write coldfusion for databases I used in other Depts, I could do it, easy peasey.
Then there were the insults, from a co-worker handing me a flyer on gym membership to the two boys at the bus stop calling me a fat cunt, a bush pig, an ugly bitch, Jabba the Hutt with hair until I was crying and wanted to throw myself under a bus. Fortunately on my route there were no buses so I told myself to endure it. Afterall, I've suffered much, much worse from men and survived. Damaged goods, certainly, but I've survived.
I walked home part of the way in the incredible heat hoping to die for my efforts but no such luck, but it did make me sick, so that's a bonus.
Don't mind me, I'm just really miserable. The more people call me fat and incompetent the more I want to crawl up in a hole and eat chocolate. It's a vicious cycle.
What does keep me going is the handful of really good friends I have scattered about the globe, and their inspiration to try and be a better person. And my M7 fics scored a mention on a list. I'm not sure whether they were being singled out for praise or damnation but at least I copped a mention. My M7 fics don't really move people but they are mostly hack work, dashed off quickly. The only one with any real heart is the last one, that one I'm spending a lot of time and effort on. I think I might wrap up one next week just to post something new. It has been months afterall. Terrible months of other things demanding attention. Maybe I could ask for a long weekend, or just take one. Everybody else does.
I'm thinking if/when I go on holidays that I'm going somewhere that doesn't speak English, so at least when they call me a bush pig I can pretend I never heard it.