Other than that, life sucks. Two full on 5-9 days with no time for a pee, let alone a cup of tea. I fell asleep during Oz and I fell asleep watching back last night's Time Team. At least Time Team was taped, Oz wasn't. Grump.
And before you tsk at old Nana here, I'd like to point out that I've been going full tilt from 4am to 11pm but by 11pm I was pretty much asleep on my feet, and the moment I stood still I was off like a light. Even as a teen, I'd be finding this week very hard going indeed. Of course, right now, it feels diabolical.
Which is a pity because the weather is lovely, Titus is in the paper and all should be right with the world. I'd really like to be finishing off at least one of my LOM fics, but, alas, the 3.5 hours I have to call my own I've been spending unconscious. I know, the nerve of me. Sadly, it's not like I have a choice (see complaint about passing out on my feet above).
This is just a brief moment while they noodle with the malcontent server, so I can't possibly jot down all my sleep deprived thoughts about Life on Mars, but one thought that occured to me was regarding the first episode. What if Sam has already lived it ten times or more? What is Sam was weeping in car, not over what had just happened, but what he knew was going to happen, and was that little push he gives himself out into the path of the speeding car an accident or deliberate resolve?
Well, it's a thought, as I have a sneaking suspicion it's all through the looking glass and, hopefully, the final episode will be one of those cool reveals so beloved of current indie filmmakers that will put a 180 spin on everything we've seen before.
Meanwhile, some interesting thoughts on comments on both The Railway Arms (especially regarding Sam, Gene and the latest crackpot theories) and Sam And Gene. A few folks have stumbled across the plot for my fic while making wild speculation, so I'm going to have to add a disclaimer that I've been working on the buggering thing since March. It's nearly finished. I just have to sew it together and hope it makes sense. Right now I'm trying to shore up Gene's rationale for his actions, basically trying to underline the point that he's not being terribly rational at all, it's the most on the ledge he's ever been, all because of Sam. Gene makes some bad choices, and he'll have to live with them. It's funny what love will make some people do.
I really liked the comments about Sam being a hard bastard, for all his polite new age sensitivities, the idea of an AU evil Sam, Vic's influence and inheritance upon the lad and the fact that Gene, for the most part, is a better friend to Sam than vice versa. Certainly Sam's arrival shook up Gene's world, and it probably needed shaking, and Sam provides the necessary companionship that Gene has obviously been craving, but a lot of the time it's Gene providing the overtures of friendship, loyalty and protection, while Sam, quite often, is providing the complete opposite.
Of course the constant friction, give take, clashes, push me pull you yin yang thang of their turbulent relationship is what makes it such a joy to watch. Not unlike my other favourite couple, the punch first and ask questions later Titus and his prissy uptight always quoting the rules pal Lucius. Titus and Lucius, for all their snarking, are murderously protective of each other.
I wonder how far Gene would go to protect Sam?
I also wonder about the long shadow Vic casts over Sam's life. It seems there's always something to remind poor Sam, be it a song, a football scarf or a little dusty brick street. There's also Vic's legacy, and the creepy way Sam mirrors him in style and manner, from the leather jacket to manipulating people by using charm or violence. I wonder just how much the true son of Vic Tyler lurks under the policeman's uniform.
I suppose that's why Sam holds himself so ramrod straight, why any sort of corruption, from bribes to coverups, affects him so deeply. Perhaps like an alcoholic he knows he must never touch it. If that were true, then Sam is aware of how close he is to falling. That must be a strain on the boy, on top of all his other problems (time travel, coma, abandoment issues, etc).
So, is Sam an utter bastard, is it part of who he is, or is he just a victim of circumstance and cosmic merde? I'm thinking 'all of the above'. I'm not a disciple of the Holy Sam, who can do no wrong. He was a complete little shit to Annie in #7, and somewhat out of line with Gene in #8, for example, never mind the competing motivations of domestic drama and existential dilemmas. Sam's cheekiness can be endearing, but it also shows a lack of respect. Sam's insistence on his way being right smacks of arrogance rather than enlightenment. Sam is a friend to Gene, but he could do better.
It's probably also because as Gene acts from feeling, be it good or bad, he seems much more warm than Sam, who often acts from an intellectual, more calculated standpoint, from a rigid philiosphy than a gut feeling, and this makes him seem colder and much less feeling, though we know Sam feels, and feels deeply. Much the same with Titus and Lucius, and it's no real wonder I'm swinging between the two, with Lucius always wanting to do what's proper and Titus always wanting to do what he feels is the right thing to do. Like Gene, Titus isn't the bufoon people think he is: he watches, listens and learns and acts quietly as well as going at it full tilt. I joy to behold, but I was meant to be talking about Sam.
He also needs to shit or get off the pot, as Gene might say, re real vs unreal, and stop holding everyone at arm's length and treating them as unreal when he doesn't want to deal with them or when he wants to pursue his own actions with scant regard for their welfare. Yet he still cries out for Gene and mooches around both Gene and Annie for support and affection. A bit more take than give, as what Sam gives to the team tends to be intellectual rather than emotional. A bit of a prick our Sam, and still a fair ways to go in learning who he is, why he is, and learning to live with it. Which is probably his journey, if it's nowt but some sort of cosmic personal growth exercise.
It's hard to know whether Sam should live in the now, or his now, anyway, or keep fighting it. It's hard to know whether mellowing or softening his sharper edges is what a good copper needs. I hope that he learns to trust and be more affectionate, and that when Gene offers to buy him dinner, it's not to talk shop.
Ack. I wish I was at home writing fic. The sleep deprivation is filling my head with wild fancies and thoughts. Great for writing, complete crap for just sitting here validating code. I spent so long yesteday drilling through code, looking for extraneous or missing commas and fullstops, until so late in the evening that I really felt I was going blind like Donald Pleasance in The Great Escape. Damn. I could really finish that fic today, but I can't, and that's the end to it.
Btw, I wish I could remember more about my classes in Roman history, but alas my memories seem to revolve more around the chap who was a dead ringer for Steve McQueen. Ah, teenaged hormones, eh? Because I'm so not like that now. Oooh! Titus! Squee!
Meanwhile, in a very brief lull between mad demands, I went for a stroll in the park across the road, needing a break from my PC screen. Alas, it's not much of a park, more of a small island for various refuse, but, as it was such a lovely day, I followed one of the winding little back lanes and ended up, as upon a snake in a game of snakes and ladders, almost on the door of Starbucks (which is normally blocks away). Oh dear. Fate, tempation, iced chai latte - grin. Well, it was such a warm and Summery day. Really lovely. Shame to be trapped indoors. Oh well. Bought another copy of the three pages of Titus - one to drool over and a spare :)
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