mockturtle (hellblazer06) wrote,

the only good elf is a dead one

Just when Orlando was beginning to cure me of my elf issues, somebody posts an M7 as LOTR fic and my loathing for elf fic is back in full force. Now I usually don't trash people's fic, because I've got some of my own stuff up there that is very much in the 'oy, what was I thinking' category, and I usually like to encourage people with some talent. However, this person sounds like the same person who wrote that so bad it was pantswettingly hilarious Wiseguy elf fic of turkey reads past, and therefore should be chased about the room being swatted by a large broom until they promise never to do it again.

Here's a sample:

    Their boats, loans from the Lady of the Wood, had long passed the Argonath, when Vin pointed ahead to a small beach on their right. Crys nodded and turned to Naithan who shared his boat, and to Ezra, Jeidy and Buck behind them. "That's Amon Hen, we'll camp there."

You see what I mean. Arrrgh! Anyways, in other news, tis wet, cold and miserable again today. So much for my new Xmas dress, it's designed for 40C, not 14C. At least I amused everyone on the bus when I stepped aboard and and shook myself off like a dog. Must be why my Russian friends say Australians have a special place in their heart - it's the laughing in the face of adversity trait that we share. Living in a land of drought and flooding plain, with no inbetween, one learns to roll with punches, and laugh louder the harder it gets. Not that rain is bad. It's put out the fires and saved the garden, but we're still officially drought locked and I'm one of those people who takes cold wet days personally, as much as beautiful days put a spring in my step. It's just not Xmas weather.

  • Macbeth

  • Equilibrium

    • Quote of the week

      Empire January 2003 UK:

      "John Rhys-Davies doesn't even need a question to get going. Ever the
      raconteur, he's up and running on a fresh anecdote before he reaches his

      "Do you know that French television host, Sophie?" he asks from somewhere left
      of leftfield. Empire shakes a baffled

      "She is a gift sent down from heaven! Magnificent! You must meet

      It transpires that Rhys-Davies hasn't seen the exquisite Sophie since Cannes
      last year. She made a lasting impression.

      "She was interviewing myself, Sean Bean and Viggo Mortensen, about the first
      film," he continues in a dubious French falsetto. "Ah, it was very exciting
      and spectacular, but what is there for the woman to enjoy?" And she
      looked at
      me and then she looked at Viggo and then she 'looked' at Sean. 'So tell me
      'Sean'? How would you seduce me as a woman?" I love her! I love that
      girl! Sean, who is a sweet, lovely gentle soul, was dumbfounded. We were
      like, 'Go on, Sean! Go on! How would you seduce the lovely Sophie?' Well,
      if you can't take the piss out of your fellow actors, what can you do?"

  • Boromir

    • FOTR easter eggs, zone 1 only, the fucks.

      The MTV Video Awards spoof, in which Sean is seen
      several times, can be found on the first disk:

      1. Go to "Select a Scene"

      2. Click on "25-27". (An icon should appear next to

      3. Click down to "27-Council of Elrond"

      4. Click down once more. (A gold ring should appear
      next to the phrase "new scene")

      5. Click "Play" and be prepared for some very clever
      splicing and editing.

      The theatrical preview that was seen at the end of
      FOTR at the later viewings in theaters (3 to 4 minutes
      long) can be found on the second disk:

      1. Go to "Select a Scene"

      2. Click on "48"

      3. When "48-Official Fan Club Credits" shows in the
      center of the screen, right click back to "48"

      4. Down click and you should see the shadow of two
      towers just below "48"

      5. Click Play

  • Imperial Leather

  • Imperial Leather

    • From the Daydeam Generator:
      “Pinch me, I’m dreaming” thought Jen,”this can’t be happening to me…” but it was.

      Jen lay there, luxuriating in her bath, waiting for Michael Biehn to come back with another drink and rub her back. Jen was getting ready to go down into the town with Michael Biehn for a candlelit dinner and dancing until dawn. Unwinding in her bath, Jen thought back to that eventful and life changing Saturday afternoon of a few weeks previous.

      If Jen hadn’t parked in that certain space at that particular time, and not glanced down at the piece of paper jammed under her trolley wheel, she would never have found that lottery ticket in the car park of her local supermarket.

      Jen was glad she had though because, since then, she hadn’t looked back - as it proved to be the single winning ticket for that week’s £37 million double rollover jackpot.

      So, after a weekend of outrageous and barely remembered celebration, the first thing she did on Monday morning was to drive her new Aston Martin into work, park in the space reserved for the Chairman, and promptly buy the place.

      Then, after putting her former boss in charge of the post room and the tea trolley, she rang her best friend, Vera, to offer her a six-figure salary to join her on the Board of Directors in the demanding role of Director in charge of finding great places to shop and do lunch.

      But the most delicious part of it all was finding out later that her ex-mother in law had lost a ticket that very same day, in that very same carpark, with the very same winning numbers…

  • pic of the week
  • Two Towers
  • Tolkien treat

  • Buy another day: film 'ads' stir Bond
  • Why NY loves the wonderful wizards of Oz
  • Broadway spellbound by Baz
  • Demolition for city blaze buildings
  • Museums thwart artefact claims
  • Astronauts' view of eclipse
  • Record ice loss in Arctic

  • Going for a thong



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